I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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