just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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