you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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