You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
