I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
