Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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