Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
