Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
