I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.