I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....