We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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