I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize