You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
