Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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