im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Terrible idea I love it
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
