so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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