God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
