Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
