he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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