none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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