I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
