I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
