It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
