you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
