I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
