Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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