you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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