Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
