I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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