Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
