Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
