The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
