I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
