I'm gonna have a badass scar
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
