I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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