You're my little dorito
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
then he tried to convert me to islam
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
