Someone shit on the floor
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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