Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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