I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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