Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
