If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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