I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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