nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
