I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
