I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
