If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly