what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house