I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
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Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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