When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
