don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
