So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
