Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
