I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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