Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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