I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
