turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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