i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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