Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
