Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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