I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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