Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
