im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
