I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize