Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
