You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
