After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He uses pillows to masturbate.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
